BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

In life there are no perfect relationships, but partners can build healthy relationships by obeying the following elements. While these tips are mainly given to young people who are in love relationships, or will to start relationships, they can apply to any form of relationship; love, friendship, parent-child or even with colleagues at school or work setting.

Respect

• Valuing and appreciating the other person – their ideas, opinions, activities, accomplishments, and contributions. Showing the other person that they are valued, worthwhile, and important, even when they are different from you. (Caring for, spending time with, and paying attention to each other.)
• Respecting the other person’s rights and showing consideration.
• Encouraging the other person’s growth, activities and belief in self; showing concern and interest in his or her feelings, needs and wants. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and points of view. Always want what is best for them and help them be the best they can become.
• Negative criticism, name-calling and ridiculing are harmful, always avoid them.

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Honesty and Trust

• Part of being honest is being your true self.
• To be honest, you need to communicate openly, fully and truthfully. Honesty is communicated when a person’s verbal communication and non-verbal behaviour give the same messages.
• Always admit when you are wrong, accept responsibility for your actions. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes.
• Showing that you trust the other person involves believing what they tell you, allowing them freedom and space to be alone, to have other friends, and to spend time away from you.

Communication

• Humans communicate both through using words and through their actions, gestures, facial expressions and other body language. Listening carefully to what the other person says without judging them and accepting their feelings, even when you do not agree with them, are an important part of communicating respect and empathy.

• In healthy relationships, there is a balance between talking and listening. Have time to listen to your partner.

Empathy and Understanding

• Having empathy means trying to understand the other person’s position and feelings – trying to put yourself in their shoes, see the situations from their point of view, and understand why they feel the way that they do.
• Understanding someone does not mean that you agree with them. It means acknowledging that their opinions, feelings and reasons can differ from yours on the matter you are discussing.

Sharing Power

• Sharing power means that you have ‘power with’ the other person rather than ‘power over’ them. You are both involved equally, on deciding on the nature of a relationship you want.
• When you share power, you make decisions together; seek solutions to problems that both of you agree with; you are willing to compromise; you have a balance of giving and receiving, and try to share responsibilities and work equally.

Common values and attitudes

• In successful relationships, the two people often have many shared or similar values. If your values about most things differ, you may often be in conflict. As such, it not healthy to have a relationship with a person who does not share your values.
• Pressuring the other person to change their values may be harm a relationship. If virginity before marriage is valued, for example, then pressure to become sexually active may damage the relationship.

WHAT DO COURTSHIP AND DATING OFFER?

• They give people a chance to develop interpersonal skills that include recognising, honouring and expressing their own feelings; recognizing the feelings of others; and developing an understanding of what they value, enjoy and appreciate in another person
• They give people a chance for companionship and new experiences

WAYS TO DEAL WITH PRESSURE

If you do not want to agree to do what your friend or partner wants, you can:

Negotiate – Try to find a solution that both of you are happy with.

Delay – Put off the decision until later.

Refuse – Say ‘no’ clearly.

Leave – Leave the situation and, if necessary, the relationship.

You can use these options with a partner or a peer or anyone who is pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do.

EXAMPLE:

If your partner wants to have sex with you, here are examples of responses:

Negotiate:

“You know that I want to finish school first.  How about if I make you feel real good this way…. (touches partner)?”

Delay:

“I know you do, but I am feeling pressured right now.  I don’t want to make any decisions under pressure.  Let’s talk about it again another time.  Okay?”

Refuse and Leave:

A:  I know you really want to do it for real and you feel frustrated.  But I am not going to be pressured to do something I am not ready to do.  I want to finish school first.  If you love me, you will understand that and you’ll wait.  Right now, I am willing to do other things to make you feel good, but I don’t want to have sex.  I think I am gonna go home now.  I don’t want us to fight about this.  I’ll text you later, okay?

SIGNS OF A TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP

• A serious imbalance in respect of each other’s dignity and rights;
•  Feelings of in authenticity about oneself ( ‘not being to be yourself’ in a relationship)
• Ongoing feelings of loneliness and isolation;
• Absence of shared values or common interests;
• Ongoing feeling of contempt for one’s partner;
• Episodes involving physical, sexual or psychological violence or the threat of such violence

NB: If you feel like you are ready to start a love relationship, it is important to seek guidance from professionals, parents or anyone whom you trust. Many young people have made decisions that they regret today because they never sought guidance. LPPA Thakaneng is there to help young people. Please visit us. 

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